THE GRUDGE REPORT

Everyone in the United States who votes realizes Al Gore invented the Internet. But what is unknown in America is that George W. Bush invented crack cocaine. In fact, the sole reason he was unwilling to put a date on his initial usage of cocaine is that it reached back to his prep school days at Andover. His father, George Bush, hoping to prevent his son from going into politics, tried first to make a scientist of him. Among his early Christmas presents was a complete and sophisticated chemistry set. With the zeal and energy of youth, George W. dedicated himself to produce an inexpensive substitute for the illicit white powder that only the wealthy could then afford. He was sufficiently tenacious to eventually succeed, and brought with him to Yale enough information to make the drug there during his chemistry labs. As a member of the elite Skull & Crossbones Society, all of whom are sworn to secrecy about what happens during their monthly meetings, young George was able to use crack cocaine without fear of discovery. Some of his wild college capers can be attributed to injudicious exposure to the drug. Why else would anyone push a keg of beer down the stairs of a fraternity house, a reckless act that resulted in the breaking of a friend's leg!

Starting as early as he did, George W. indulged in crack cocaine all during his flight training and the several years he flew F-102 military jets. When he spoke of flying high, that's exactly what he meant. While defending air space over the Lone Star State from foreign enemies for the Texas Air National Guard, George W. believed some of the war games were real. His physical skills were so impaired that he was forty years old before he relearned to tie his shoes. Pictures taken of him reveal he wore only loafers during the entire period.

About the time he completed his fourth decade, a dispirited, no-longer young George W. Bush decided he had to kick his addiction, and underwent a mental, emotional, and spiritual conversion. With admirable determination and without outside help, he gradually regained control of himself and eliminated the drug from personal use. Fortune smiled, and he was presented with the opportunity to become one of a group of men interested in purchasing the Texas Rangers baseball franchise. Well-connected with influential people, he was able to borrow the necessary money to buy a stake in the transaction. A shrewd businessman, George W. paid it back with profits made by pushers offering crack cocaine he made at home. It was sold in dixie cups at Rangers ballgames: why else would large crowds begin attending games played by the inept Rangers ball club. Crack cocaine enabled him to become independently wealthy.

Today's extensive media coverage shows presidential candidate Bush could have handled questions by the press about cocaine use far more adeptly. His initial position that in effect it was nobody's damn business, was historically well-taken. Old English law traditionally gave a man the right to maintain silence, but America has moved so far from her English heritage that no-one now understands or, for that matter, even mandates use of the English language. As for Tradition, it is remembered principally as a Jewish folk song from the musical, Fiddler On The Roof. A more clever and imaginative man would have said his first and only exposure was through cough medicine, which he refused as a boy to swallow. Most Americans are too young to recall codeine cough remedies, and might think it was cocaine cough medicine.

No, we are forced to conclude that Mr. Bush is not as able across the intellectual spectrum as our incumbent president. To quote the words of former SEAL, Medal of Honor winner, and now the democratic senator from Nebraska, Robert Kerrey, President Bill Clinton is an exceptional liar. Quite the opposite is true of Mr. Bush! Like his father before him, George W. is an exceptionally poor liar. One has to wonder if his hang-up on truthfulness actually disqualifies him from holding the Oval Office. George W. can't even lie competently to the press, so how can he expect to lie successfully under oath! A talent for mendacity has served the present occupant of the White House well, though a federal judge recently assessed Mr. Clinton the piddling sum of $90,000 for lying to a federal grand jury.

If the prior discussion clarifies nothing else, it does show a man can successfully appear before the electorate and be elected president without either inventing anything or telling the truth.

But where does that leave Liddy Dole, who invented Viagra!

The most frightening aspect of this farcical little media parody is that it requires an epilogue to prevent readers from thinking it is journalism, or worse, might even be true. My real point is that our media must abandon its modernized Spanish Inquisition. It has got to stop the persecution of people that is now considered fair game. Delving into the personal lives of politicians for fun and frolic, and incidentally to make money, is unprincipled and wrong. Good manners and good taste, the factors preventing such incursions in the past, seem no longer operative in our culture. Much of what passes for news or reporting today mixes the same elements of satire, sarcasm and supposition to form conclusions no more founded on fact than The Grudge Report. Drivel like this can be written off the top of one's head; it combines insinuation and the plausible to assassinate character and defame people, and is disgusting!

8/19/99

Sam Orr sorr@metrolink.net
World Traveler
and Philanthrope
(Location Unknown)