THE GRUDGE REPORT
Everyone in the United States who votes realizes Al Gore invented the
Internet. But what is unknown in America is that George W. Bush invented
crack cocaine. In fact, the sole reason he was unwilling to put a date on
his initial usage of cocaine is that it reached back to his prep school
days at Andover. His father, George Bush, hoping to prevent his son from
going into politics, tried first to make a scientist of him. Among his
early Christmas presents was a complete and sophisticated chemistry set.
With the zeal and energy of youth, George W. dedicated himself to produce
an inexpensive substitute for the illicit white powder that only the
wealthy could then afford. He was sufficiently tenacious to eventually
succeed, and brought with him to Yale enough information to make the drug
there during his chemistry labs. As a member of the elite Skull &
Crossbones Society, all of whom are sworn to secrecy about what happens
during their monthly meetings, young George was able to use crack cocaine
without fear of discovery. Some of his wild college capers can be
attributed to injudicious exposure to the drug. Why else would anyone push
a keg of beer down the stairs of a fraternity house, a reckless act that
resulted in the breaking of a friend's leg!
Starting as early as he did, George W. indulged in crack cocaine all during
his flight training and the several years he flew F-102 military jets.
When he spoke of flying high, that's exactly what he meant. While
defending air space over the Lone Star State from foreign enemies for the
Texas Air National Guard, George W. believed some of the war games were
real. His physical skills were so impaired that he was forty years old
before he relearned to tie his shoes. Pictures taken of him reveal he wore
only loafers during the entire period.
About the time he completed his fourth decade, a dispirited, no-longer
young George W. Bush decided he had to kick his addiction, and underwent a
mental, emotional, and spiritual conversion. With admirable determination
and without outside help, he gradually regained control of himself and
eliminated the drug from personal use. Fortune smiled, and he was
presented with the opportunity to become one of a group of men interested
in purchasing the Texas Rangers baseball franchise. Well-connected with
influential people, he was able to borrow the necessary money to buy a
stake in the transaction. A shrewd businessman, George W. paid it back
with profits made by pushers offering crack cocaine he made at home. It
was sold in dixie cups at Rangers ballgames: why else would large crowds
begin attending games played by the inept Rangers ball club. Crack cocaine
enabled him to become independently wealthy.
Today's extensive media coverage shows presidential candidate Bush could
have handled questions by the press about cocaine use far more adeptly.
His initial position that in effect it was nobody's damn business, was
historically well-taken. Old English law traditionally gave a man the
right to maintain silence, but America has moved so far from her English
heritage that no-one now understands or, for that matter, even mandates use
of the English language. As for Tradition, it is remembered principally as
a Jewish folk song from the musical, Fiddler On The Roof. A more clever
and imaginative man would have said his first and only exposure was through
cough medicine, which he refused as a boy to swallow. Most Americans are
too young to recall codeine cough remedies, and might think it was cocaine
No, we are forced to conclude that Mr. Bush is not as able across the
intellectual spectrum as our incumbent president. To quote the words of
former SEAL, Medal of Honor winner, and now the democratic senator from
Nebraska, Robert Kerrey, President Bill Clinton is an exceptional liar.
Quite the opposite is true of Mr. Bush! Like his father before him, George
W. is an exceptionally poor liar. One has to wonder if his hang-up on
truthfulness actually disqualifies him from holding the Oval Office.
George W. can't even lie competently to the press, so how can he expect to
lie successfully under oath! A talent for mendacity has served the present
occupant of the White House well, though a federal judge recently assessed
Mr. Clinton the piddling sum of $90,000 for lying to a federal grand jury.
If the prior discussion clarifies nothing else, it does show a man can
successfully appear before the electorate and be elected president without
either inventing anything or telling the truth.
But where does that leave Liddy Dole, who invented Viagra!
The most frightening aspect of this farcical little media parody is that it
requires an epilogue to prevent readers from thinking it is journalism, or
worse, might even be true. My real point is that our media must abandon
its modernized Spanish Inquisition. It has got to stop the persecution of
people that is now considered fair game. Delving into the personal lives
of politicians for fun and frolic, and incidentally to make money, is
unprincipled and wrong. Good manners and good taste, the factors
preventing such incursions in the past, seem no longer operative in our
culture. Much of what passes for news or reporting today mixes the same
elements of satire, sarcasm and supposition to form conclusions no more
founded on fact than The Grudge Report. Drivel like this can be written
off the top of one's head; it combines insinuation and the plausible to
assassinate character and defame people, and is disgusting!
Sam Orr firstname.lastname@example.org