A HOT ISSUE

Acrimony and rancor about America's tobacco industry has reached an intensity seen only in British tabloids that habitually hound the Royal Family. Three scientists who formerly worked for tobacco companies have recently provided technical information that indicates the industry realized the following:

o Nicotine is addictive.

o Its level is monitored as part of the overall quality testing.

o The industry knew that if nicotine levels drop too low, people don't buy the cigarettes.

None of this should have surprised anyone. My only reason for mentioning it is to show how Bob Dole can use the information to win the Presidency. He has to make only one minor adjustment in his lifestyle to add twenty million votes to his total.

Bob Dole must begin smoking. He must take five seconds every time he's shown on TV or beginning a stump speech to light a cigarette and take the first deep drag. That, and modifying his campaign promises to include smoker's rights, are all he has to do. Bill Clinton, an acknowledged non-smoker, occasionally puffs on a cigar. By his own admission, he does not inhale, and will thus lose votes from both sides.

There are those in this country who believe single issue groups such as the NRA, pro-death and no-choice factions of the abortion debate, Big vrs Small government proponents, welfare reform zealots, and balanced budget advocates will decide the election. They are wrong. Compared to smokers, these people waffle in their opinions and will split their votes. Only nicotine addicts can be depended on to vote as a single bloc.

Bob Dole will ride his lighted cigarette into the White House. At his inauguration in January, he will take the oath and come out smokin'.

Sam Orr

World Traveler

and Philanthrope

(Location Unknown)